Can we talk about a subject that a lot of people don’t discuss in cancer care? Toxic Positivity.

I’ve been in the cancer community for a loooong time, and for many years, I too subscribed to the train of thought that being positive was best! Well, I’m here to tell you, all that did was land me in a heap of trouble with PTSD and scanxiety through the roof because I did not have the skills or knowledge to adequately assess and confront my situation.

So what is “Toxic Positivity?” I’ll give you some examples:

“God has a plan for you.”
“God doesn’t give us more than we can handle!”
“Live in the moment!”
“Keep your chin up.”
“Think positive!!”
“It can always be worse!”
“You should be grateful for all the good you DO have!”
Any phrase that starts with the words ”At least…” as in ‘At least you get new boobs out of the deal.”

Using God to justify a cancer diagnosis is downright abhorrent. What kind of sick God plans for a 36 year old mom to a 3 month old baby to get diagnosed with a terminal cancer and then give him credit for using it for good? No thank you.

Those are just a few instances of phrases that completely dismiss how a person is feeling or dealing with a really, REALLY shitty bit of news. It invalidates them and oftentimes makes a person feel WORSE because they can’t think positive in the moment or feel horrible because they believe God has it in for them. Hard to trust in a God that intentionally made you sick.

Before giving advice to someone who has had something awful happen, stop and ask yourself if you are really helping. Why do you feel the need to fill the space with this toxic positivity? Is it because the news of a cancer diagnosis or illness makes YOU uncomfortable and you feel the need to explain it away? Ask yourself how you would feel if someone gave you the advice you’re about to give, and act accordingly.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that cancer is a horrible thing and that you don’t know what to say or how to act. Be honest, and tell this to the person. I felt relieved when friends or family would say they were sorry and that this was an awful bit of news. Then offered to hold space for me. They didn’t offer hollow prayers or phrases that mean nothing. It is really refreshing to have the permission to admit that a situation sucks. Not only does it help the patient, it also helps them now that you are a safe person to be around, especially on those dark days when a person really needs the support.

As a cancer patient, we are so busy managing everyone’s feelings around our situation that we often don’t take time to adequately assess our own. We try to be careful not to upset our loved ones or try to not burden them with what is really going on in our brains. We don’t want anyone else to feel uncomfortable so often we pull away. But this is doing yourself a huge disservice. Holding space for someone should not come with expectations. This is where working with a trauma-informed therapist can really be a game changer. They can provide the tools necessary for you to advocate for yourself when friends or family insist on burdening you with toxic positivity or any other actions that don’t offer real help.

Another piece of advice? Give yourself some grace!! It’s hard! Pushing the feelings down and not honoring them just allows them to grow bigger and badder, and when they finally do surface, you’ve spiraled out of control. Facing a situation head-on can derail that spiraling and help keep your sanity intact in a tough situation.

Once you shine a light on the fears or situation, you can see that coming to terms with it is much better than not. Fears grow bigger in the dark. This is really with any situation, not just cancer. We are human and as such we experience a great myriad of emotions, and that’s ok.

I’m here to give you permission to not always look on the fake bright side, but on the real side. Once you assess the situation, you can start to be truthful with yourself and with others and work toward the right mindset moving forward. You’ll be much better off because of it.